Unmarried Marriage Counselors – They’re Everywhere! – An Ode

Herb’s blog, Herbdate 22107-678:

On Monday the 10th, Bruce over at Weave-A-Web posted a story about a pair of unmarried marriage counselors. Marriage Enrichment Program. He is the blogger that most reminds me of O. Henry if O. Henry had more dark endings than light. Anyway, I read it and remembered that I had written this poem. For you pickers of nits (Whom I love dearly. The pickers, that is, not the nits. Nits are lice larvae and if you have ever had to deal with that, you know you don’t want anything to do with them. But nitpickers are often unsung heroes.) I realize this is not a true ode as defined by poetry books, with complex metric and rhyme schemes. Nor is it, as one dictionary defined it, A poem intended to be sung. Well, if you think you can (or want to) sing it, maybe we can talk, turkey. It’s just how I was feeling one day before I ever started blogging. One of the inspirations for it was a 17-year-old girl who, even though she had never had children or been married, was full of expert advice.


They’re Everywhere

Unmarried marriage counselors
Rocking Chair mechanics
“Qualified” outhouse li- er- lawyers
Armchair quarterbacks
And poets without a license

Doesn’t it seem to you the world is full of ‘em?
So many people who know better than you do
How you should raise your kids, treat your wife or husband?
Just tell them ‘cause if you have problems they’ll solve ‘em

C.E.O. who never worked the job
Rocking chair mechanics
“Qualified” outhouse liars – lawyers
Armchair quarterbacks
And poets without a license

Licentious poets who claim that their work is art
When all I ever hear is streaming profanity
They are accepted so they must know what is right
Give the stuff a name like “rap” you will be on T.V.

Parenting “experts” with no kids
Rocking chair mechanics
“Qualified” outhouse li- er- lawyers
Armchair quarterbacks
And poets without a license

Seventeen year old girl expert on raising kids
(Still at home, never had any kids of her own)
Said to me, “I will not ever spank my children
But I will talk to them explaining what they did.”

Cowboys that never ride horses
Rocking chair mechanics
So many experts as sources
Armchair quarterbacks
And poets without a license

Too many people sure can talk a good game
They are quick to point out what is wrong with your plan
And you know that these folks are always just the same
Ones willing to take the credit but not the blame

Unmarried marriage counselors
Rocking chair mechanics
Advisors who stand in screen doors
Armchair quarterbacks
And poets without a license

New-Age Indian wannabes that I know
Who’ve never lived near a reservation
But support the casinos
Because they think that they are helping that nation

Unmarried marriage counselors
Armchair quarterbacks
Sailors who don’t know knots from tides
Screen door mechanics
And poets without a license

Why is it people can’t just tell you they don’t know
And if they don’t have experience they should ask
Rather than coming off like a fool, don’t you know?
They really are begging to be taken to task

Unmarried marriage counselors
Rocking chair mechanics
“Qualified” outhouse li- er- lawyers
Armchair quarterbacks
And poets without a license


24 Comments

  1. Great poem the thing is If you ask yourself you may have been one of them. How many male doctors give advice on pregnancy. just like me. I was going to be the proper parent until I experienced it. I haven’t killed a child yet but I understand why some animals eat their young. BTY If I throw a Football at the TV Does That Make me a Quarterback?

    Stay well and Laugh

  2. I really like the poem. For some reason, it made me think of a school psychologist I chatted with in the staffroom one day, and she was still reeling from having met a 25 year old grandmother the day before. I expect the 25 year old never took advice from anyone ever, but probably needed some.

    • Yikes! Wow. Well, hopefully she finally gets to a place where she realizes she needs some advice from somewhere. I’m guessing there is a lot of hardness somewhere in her story, though.

  3. Unfortunately I’ve been was 17 yo person… then marriage happened and I was like WTF? I didn’t sign up for this! But then my husband handed me the marriage certificate and pointed to my signature. Dang it! I did sign up for this.
    And then kids happened and again WTF?
    Can I just lock them in the closet? Is that considered child abuse?
    I do let them out every now and again… 😂
    I am teasing I don’t lock them in closets…
    I lock them in dog crates.
    Kidding again. It’s they other way around. It was either that or a spanking.
    Hey kids, can I get out now?

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