Herb’s blog, Herbdate 22106-677 (Dedicated, in part, to Serious Blogger):
Many people who have been around this blog for a while or been around my Sunday School classes are familiar with Professor Fritz Von Googleheimer and his use of der science-teriffical messod of obserfation to explain Bible principles. In one lesson he taught at the church school’s chapel he took a tube of toothpaste and squeezed it out onto a paper plate and then challenged the students, picking a few from the audience, to put the toothpaste back into the tube using toothpicks. Using a clipboard and taking notes he and the children came to the conclusion that it really was not possible to be done. He explained to them that our words, the things that come out of our mouth, are like that. You can say something and at the moment it comes out of your mouth you can’t take it back. He has had many other lessons and adventures but that’s an example of the kind of guy he is.
Fritz has a twin brother, Frederick. He is scientifically minded as well but is a bit more lowbrow sometimes. He is deaf as a post from an accident with Fritz’s chemistry set when they were boys and the explosion may have addled his pate a bit. It may also be that his job as a penguin scatologist first class has frozen parts of his brain. He is also a scambaiter. He answers those emails that come from criminals who would steal the widow’s last two mites and gives them the business. Scammers are criminals. Scambaiting them wastes their time and resources and, hopefully, prevents them from scamming somebody else, for even a few minutes. I introduced him to the world in my first scambaiting attempt on January 4th, 2008 in a short series that started with the post, Scambaiting Pt 1. and you have met him in the last few days. His heart is in the right place but he doesn’t always have good taste and decorum.
Fritz and Fred have a younger brother that nobody ever mentions. While Fritz tries to be a good and spiritual person and Fred works hard to sort out what penguins have eaten and tries to fight bad guys and has his heart in the right place, their little brother is different. The whole family tries to avoid talking about Heinrich Von Googleheimer.
You see, Heinrich has issues. Oh, he was a genius like his brothers, but he was evil. He was crazy and fit the stereotype of a mad scientist perfectly. Even as an infant, when babies have that cute little giggly sound, Heinrich’s laugh was more of a “bwahahaha” and when he learned to speak his first words were, “Fools! I’ll spit-up on them all!” During his formative years, he developed many plans for world domination and kept getting foiled by cape-clad heroes in spandex suits with the underwear on the outside.
But this time his plan would not fail. He watched himself in the mirror as he twirled his pencil-thin mustache. He thought the high black top hat looked rather jaunty with his lab coat and none of his lackeys or groveling ne’er-do-well servants had the nerve to tell him he looked like Snidely Whiplash in a lab coat. “Fools! I’ll destroy them all! Bwahahahaha! Unless, of course, they meet my demands. I’ll bring them to their knees with this!” With a dramatic flourish he pulled a tarp off of something, “Voila!”
“Duh, hey boss, that looks just like a wildebeest.”
“It is. It’s a robotic wildebeest. A perfect replica in every way. Except that lions won’t eat them. I’m going to make a mighty herd of them and kidnap all the real live ones and hold them for ransom. The lions will all starve and the ecosystem will be ruined.”
“Duh, is that why you expanded the basement?”
“Bwahahahaha! Yes. And it’s why I purchased all those shovels for you lackeys.”
“But I thought you didn’t like Wildebeests after that childhood incident at the zoo with the wildebeest, the frog and the fifty-cent piece.”
“I hate the vile creatures and I know the world won’t take my demands seriously at first and the stinking beasts will start to die off. Remember, no wildebeest is good wildebeest.”
Little did he know that in his crowd of ne’er-do-wells was a plant. A spy. A reporter from The Daily Solar System named Gary Goodheart. He had tried to take copious notes as quickly as he could. He slipped out to report his findings to his boss, editor and publisher Barry Black.
“Good Alexander’s spirit!” Cried Barry Black. (Let’s face it, he was no Perry White) “Are you sure of your facts?”
“Yes sir! He believes that no gnus is good news!”
“I’ve got just the headline! Evil Mad Scientist Plans To Decimate African Wildlife Using Fake Gnus!”