On Nov 30 I received this heart wrenching letter from Mister Aziz Hamid, firstname.lastname@example.org a simple and humble merchant from Dubai with the subject “Please Help Me.”
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pains so i decided to contact you through this medium.(Ah felt right spiritual just then, being contacted through a medium. An XXL would fit better, but his lie is that…)
As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Aziz Hamid, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal Cancer (This was where I became immediately furious and decided to work with Mr. Hamid, even though I had no scambaiting experience)that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled (his spelling, but he is defiled)
all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.(He goes on in this section about how he has never had time for anything but business and is sorry he never lived better and…)
…Now that I know my time is near, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends and Schools in the UAE. (I thought you didn’t have anyone?)
I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, England and Ireland. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this my self any more. (Awww…See there.)
I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and donate the money, which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria, they refused and kept the money to themselves. (A ruthless, high-rolling businessman, multi-millionaire, and he’s never heard of an attorney or a cop?)
Hence, I do not trust them anymore, (And you are so trustworthy, aren’t you) as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which is the huge cash that I deposit in a bank in England Uk.
I want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations and let them know that it is I Aziz Hamid that is making this generous donation. (Or as Skunkfeathers would say, “It is I, Aziz Hamid who wish to give you this business”)
I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed in England where I wait for my time to come. If you are interested to help me i will give you more information about this like the amount that i deposited in the bank and Contact of the bank so you can contact them. I will also send you pictures of my self when in the hospital. (I can hardly wait. Wait until you see them, it’s really something, how much of a pathetic loser he takes me for)
Note that you will take 20% out of the funds and give 80% to the charity organizations. (generous, ain’t he?) I pray that God uses you to support and assist me with good heart God be with you.
If you can help respond back to me on my private email: email@example.com (Say, I thought he was in England and from the U.A.E. but this domain would be Spain???)
I responded on Dec 1:
My Dear Mr. Hamid,
I cannot tell you the great sadness I felt when I received your most tragic letter. I have been a researcher on my vessel “Scat” studying the vastly diverse ecosystem in the subantarctic isle of Heard Island and the surrounding area and am not always near a Wi-Fi hotspot, so I hope I have not delayed in answering this for too long. If you are already deceased then please disregard this communication unless you are in psychic correspondence with your estate, then please ask them to forward me your laptop as I could use a new one to start a magazine.
Currently I am studying the differences in digestion between the Eudyptes chrysolophus, commonly called the “Macaroni Penguin” and the Eudyptes chrysocome or so-called “Rockhopper Penguin.” We sift through their droppings to see what matter might be left over and if you think that knowing the difference between Eudyptes chrysolophus fecal matter and Eudyptes chrysocome feces is easy, well, you have another think coming. One mistake we never make is when the Mirounga angustirostris or Elephant Seal bulls come on shore amongst the birds and leave droppings. No, sir! I know bull scat when I see it. The climate on Heard Island is sub-antarctic and we jokingly refer to the temperature as being “colder than penguin poop!” Ha-Ha! We laugh so much.
I am often out to sea but occasionally will sail to Perth, Australia where I will be out to lunch. From there I take my other sloop, “Git Out” and wend my way to the Mediterranean Sea to Israel; and therein lies my concern.
Mr Hamid, by all indications I would guess that you are at least part Arab. Well, before we enter any sort of serious business transactions I think that I ought to disclose to you the fact that my German grandmother’s father’s brother was part Jew.
I hate to tax you with all of this in your present condition, and wish I could just jump right in and offer immediate assistance, because I have a friend who knows someone whose brother’s uncle’s friend’s kissing cousin once removed had prostrate cancer and they had to amputate everything that was personal and dear to him (I try to be genteel), if you follow my meaning so I can only imagine what a proud arab like yourself must be going through but feel I should air my concerns. Oh the pain that poor man went through. Now, I’ve heard the “Tums and Rolaids Diet” was good for esophageal cancer but am not really sure. Not that I couldn’t stand getting my hands on some cash right now, because the mizzenmast on the “Scat” is loose about the jib and ready to fall through the poop deck. Frankly, Mr Hamid, (May I call you Hadji, for short? I feel as though we are going to know each other quite well before this is all through) I could use the money for a number of things because all of these scientific research grants have pesky governments asking what the money was for.
Another worry I have, Hadji, is, well, there is no ungenteel way to broach this subject and I fear again that I may offend, but, how do I know that you are not a terrorist? You are an arab, after all. Since you are from the UAE and late (sorry, lately) of the UK I have every confidence that you are not some fly-by-night scammer trying to steal money from me but that you are sincere in your desire to give me the business.
I certainly hope we might be able to work things out before I set sail again.
Professor Frederick Von Googleheimer, Scatologist First Class
Tomorrow, Mr Hamid introduces his banker and sends the sad pictures. More like sorry…