Assorted Funnies

Assorted Funnies

Herb April 30, 2020

I’m going to make a humor blog, but I haven’t decided exactly when. Here are a few free samples, mainly because I don’t really have anything to write about or post at this very moment.


Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all-clear. You’re welcome!


2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.


Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.


The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!


I once heard about a wealthy Texan who had an impressive ranch in Texas. On his ranch, he had a huge floodlit swimming pool and in this swimming pool, he kept a shark. The rich Texan loved to throw lavish dinner parties and would invite his guests up around the pool afterward. Then he would say to them, “If any of you will swim a length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, or half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

Well, one evening as he was saying this and he always said before he finished, “But I must warn you before you do so, there is a shark in the pool.”

As he was speaking, there was a splash, and a man, very nicely dressed, swam the entire length of the pool at a very high rate of speed being chased by the shark. He got out of the pool just in time as the shark thudded into the wall.

The Texan said, “Congratulations! You are the first person who has ever done that! Now, what would you like? Would you like the $10 million?”

The man gasped, “No, thank you.”

He said, “Would you like half of my estate?”

The man said, “No, thank you.”

He said, “Ah, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?”

The exasperated man said, “No, thank you!”

So the Texan said to him, “Well, what do you want‽‽”

He said, “I want the name of the man who pushed me in.”


A Prayer For Our Time

One Sunday morning at a small southern church the new pastor called on one of the older deacons to lead in the opening prayer. The deacon stood up, bowed his head, and said, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.”

The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going. The deacon continued, “Lord, I hate lard.” Now the pastor was totally perplexed.

The deacon continued, “Lord, I ain’t too crazy about plain flour either. But after you mix ’em all together and bake ’em in a hot oven…Well, I just love biscuits!

The deacon didn’t stop there. “Lord,” he said, “Help us realize when things come up that we don’t like, whenever we don’t understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making. After you get through mixing and baking, it’ll probably be something even better than biscuits. Amen.”


Remember, Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.


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