Herb’s Blog, Herbdate 22923 – 1010
Here’s the haps:
As some of you know, especially those who have met me in person and seen my desk, I save everything. I was going through the archives of emails I received years before I started this blog. Some of these have made the rounds of the internet more than once in that time but hopefully, there are a couple of fun bits in here for you.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack, so he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and his dad is Mick and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this.” And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It’s a beautiful pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant, “I mean, what is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
A Colorado Trooper pulled a car over for speeding more than 20 miles an hour over the limit on I-25 near Denver. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show up in Loveland that night and didn’t want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The patrolman said that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out. The drunk watched the show, then stumbled over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and got in. The trooper saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “Just take me to jail…There ain’t no way I’m gonna pass that sobriety test!”
Tastes Like Frog Legs
A guy was at a restaurant and couldn’t figure out what to get, so he asked the waiter, “What do you recommend, Henri?”
“Well, today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert.”
“That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?”
“We break it to him very gently and tell him it’s nothing personal!”
One day at a family reunion, some great-grandparents were reminiscing. The great-grandfather remarked, “I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them.”
Great-grandmother gave him a withering look, “What I’d like to know,” she said, “is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them faint!”
The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by. He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well. The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. “That’d have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you’ll find out!”
A granddaughter asked, “What do you usually eat?”
“Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, you’ve seen squirrels?”
“Sure, we see a lot, running around on the branches.”
“Keep an eye out, because those are tasty.” Said the grand old eagle.
“An eagle eye,” a smart-mouthed grandson said, and was immediately smacked.
The granddaughter asked, “Birds, what about birds, do we eat those?”
“Well some, sure. Seagulls, those are fine and pretty easy to catch.” Answered the great eagle.
A grandson asked, “There’s a big white bird with long legs, it lives by rivers and streams, do you know? Do you eat those?”
“I think you mean egrets?” his grandfather asked.
“That’s right, egrets, have you eaten a lot of those?”
“Egrets? I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.”