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Scamming A Scammer – Scamming Barrister Johnson Chambers – Pt 3

Herb’s blog, Herbdate 22101-672: Originally written and/or posted previously elsewhere on Herbdate: 17,915 aka 02/23/2009:

This is part 3 of a 3 part series. (The original TTY machine listed in the original post was over $700. I don’t know if they have gone down in price over the years but the most expensive one now was $400)

Frederick Von Googleheimer is a poor scientist and the good professor responded with what seems like a lucrative offer:

Dear Barrister Johnson Chambers,

Oh Nix! Nein! Vas ist das? Sorry. I slippen into mein native tongue. I am wondering what in the to do is here. You see, I thought we were talking you giving me money, not the other way around. I already spent more than this much money on a new TTY machine zo I could talken on der telphohonic communication device. See, here it is, ain’t she a beauty! Maybe I can get the money back from them, I don’t know.

But that brings up another question. You said the payment was 300,000,000 dollars U.S. but here you are requesting British Dollars. I cannot find the exchange rate of British Dollars to U.S. Dollars anywhere on the Internet. Are they the same?

I am sorry you will be having to wait for me to get my refund from my machine.

Being a professor I have come up with a most ingenious plan, however. Here is an idea. Let’s find out the exchange rate of U.S. dollars to British dollars and then you may subtract these costs from the check you send me! For example, if British dollars were the same as U.S. dollars you could merely make the check payable for 299,999,475 dollars. In fact, since it is so much money and you are, after all, a kind, benevolent barrister, you could keep the extra 475 for yourself. I am sure you could find some use for it.

Anyway, if that doesn’t work, I am willing to give up my only chance at a telephonic communication device and get a refund and see if I can send you the money then.

Professor Frederick Von Googleheimer
“It’s colder than penguin poop.”

In response to this pathetic yet heartwrenching plea, did I get sympathy? Did I get, a, “Oh, don’t sell your machine, there must be another way?” Nope. I received this:


Dear Frederick Von Googleheimer,

I want you to understand that the fee is in United State dollars not British dollars. I will also like to inform you that your granted funds will not be allow to be touch untill the court documents that we certify you of claims is completed and gotten from the court. I will advice you look for the possible means to send the court documents fees so that your documents can be notarize from court.

As soon as the court needed fees is paid to the court they will issue your documents to you and your endowment money will be release for your claims.

Yours Faithfully,
Barrister Mr. Johnson Clark, legal Adviser
Chevron Texaco Oil and Gas Company.
London, United Kingdom

I hadn’t even noticed yet that I had been getting his name wrong, but that was the name on the e-mail address. He didn’t care about any of this. I thought maybe I could get a little tea and sympathy by replying again with this offer:
To Which I replied again, with the offer:

“Johnson Chambers”
Dear Barrister Mr. Johnson Clark,

Okay, here’s an idea. Being a scientist I am full of ideas. You are an attorney, I am just a poor scientist with a new TTY machine that I will have to take to a pawn shop and hock to be able to get the money you need, unless, well, here’s my idea. Why don’t you loan me the money, with interest, of course, against the 300,000,000 dollars I will receive. In fact, I am of such a generous heart, I would pay you a cool 1,000,525 dollars. I am sure that a brilliant and well-known attorney such as you could draft a document to such an extent easily. I would be more than happy with 299,000,000 dollars and you would have the added benefit that you would get free and positive publicity. It’s a win-win synergistic blast, man! think of the headlines, “Bull attorney helps humble penguin scatologist achieve dream of buying a new research ship.” Yes, I think you are the biggest bull attorney I ever met and I mean that sincerely. Please to bain was accepting of my offer. Maybe 1,000,000 is too low? I would be willing to hire you on a contingency/percentage basis which, as you know, means you would collect as soon as I did. Please consider these ideas so I don’t have to take my brand new TTY machine to the thieves down at the pawn shop. They take advantage of me because I am deaf as a post and make jokes about me behind my back. They mock me and pretend they are picking through the peguin scat on Heard Island.

Please, Mr Barrister Johnson Clark, accept mein offer to work on a contingency and don’t make me go down to the fiends, for the love of God and decency.

Professor Frederick Von Googleheimer
“It’s colder than penguin poop.”

To which he responds (Never thunk a attorney would spell the word “strict” s-t-r-i-c-k), but anyway:

Dear Frederick Von Googleheimer,

Thank you for your off, its a very Good one but there are strick order’s from the court that only the intended beneficiary is only allow to handle the part of court documentation fees. I would have love to help but my hands are down on this one cause there is nothing i can do as the court has pass their orders.

I will have to show details of your payment to the court before they will notarize your claims documents and due to that fact no one is allow to pay that money but only you the beneficiary.

I advice you try your best so as to start the processing of your claims documents from the court.

Yours Faithfully,
Barrister Mr. Johnson Clark, legal Adviser

A couple days went by and I received this:

Dear Frederick Von Googleheimer,

I will like to inform you that if you can not raise the money that will be needed to process your court documents, I advice you send a letter of disclaimer to this office so that your funds can be taking away from your name as the beneficiary to the chevron texaco Oil And Gas endowment entilements.

Yours Faithfully,
Barrister Mr. Johnson Clark, legal Adviser
Chevron Texaco Oil and Gas Company.
London, United Kingdom

To which I pathetically replied:

Oh, please, sirrah,

The pawn shop would only give me $250 for my TTY machine and I had to explain to them what was going on and they laughed at me and said I was a stupid fool and as dumb as a hockey puck for believing you and that you were probably some scam artist. I told them that Barrister Johnson Chambers is as honest as they were. That if Barrister Johnson Chambers was a lying scam artist, then so were they. I have some of the money and am working really hard to get the rest. Please be patient with me. I may have to sell my collection of dried penguin scat to the University.

Professor Frederick Von Googleheimer
“It’s colder than penguin poop.”

After I sent this last note off I decided to look up and see if there is a Bar Association like we have here and if they have an e-mail address and also to see if there is a contact e-mail on the Chevron website. I toyed with the idea that both entities would be interested in this activity but didn’t have anything real. Notice I addressed this “English gentleman” as “Sirrah” and he doesn’t bat an eye. An old English word I picked up from the Bard. He is too anxious for me to wire him the money. Now listen to what he says:

Dear Frederick Von Googleheimer,

I got your mail and i will like you to know that some people dont like seeing other people geting better cause they dont have the opportunity that the other person have. However i will like you to keep your endowment entilement’s claims to your self before the money will be fully transfer to you.

Hmmm…Wonder why he doesn’t want me to advertise how I am getting the money?

I will also like to advice you to mind the kind of word’s that you use to address this office while writing.Regarding your court documents you can use the $250 dollars that you have to process part of the documents from the court.

I want you to send the $250 dollars to the court accountant so they can process the first two documents for you. below is the information of the court accountant that you are to send the money.

Receiver Name:Mrs Grace Marries
Address106 Mark’s Drive United Kingdom

As soon as you have send the Money through western Union money transfer
I want you to send me the following information for record

Sender Name:
Sender Address:
Amount Sent:
Money Control Number MTCN:

As soon as the money has been received by the court accountant Processing of the documents will be carried out. The documents will be attach and sent to you as soon as they are processed.

Yours Faithfully,
Barrister Mr. Johnson Clark

So that was the last straw. I got as mad as I did when I received Aziz Hamid’s scam about having cancer right after I learned about my young friend Ali. I was MAD! I couldn’t play anymore, I wanted to bust “Barrister” Clark in his chops. This lowlife scumbag criminal Scall, scurvy, cogging companion! (Got that insult and the ones below from which generates Shakespearean insults [I couldn’t get it to work when I tried it this time, though] and which I have been having a blast playing with, as if you couldn’t tell. You should have seen Carter’s inbox when I first discovered this little toy.) would not only defraud a poor old man but he might as well steal his TTY machine, too. This is where I blew it and never heard from Clark again:

My Dear “Barrister” Clark,

How dare you? First, you would let me, a deaf person, sell my $700 TTY machine for $250 and then you would also admonish me on how to address you?!? I think not. Your mother would be so ashamed of you. If you have a mother. I think you are a liar and a scammer of dubious antecedence and not a very good one at that. From your ridiculously written announcement with all the capital letters on down. Well let me tell you something you good-for-nothing. You green-sickness carrion! You baggage! You tallow face! Being a professor of scatological research I know What I see when I see it. It may be of interest to you that The Bar Council of the UK website, The REAL Chevron corporation website and the FBI Internet Crimes division website all have contact pages.

Professor Frederick Von Googleheimer
“It’s colder than penguin poop.”

And I never heard from him again. Oh well.


10 responses to “Scamming A Scammer – Scamming Barrister Johnson Chambers – Pt 3”

  1. ellie894 Avatar

    Sometimes scat is really scat. I shall be wary of barristers, especially the ones named Clark. Well done! A fun read 😊

    1. Herb Avatar


  2. dumbestblogger Avatar

    A gorgeous piece of work.

    1. Herb Avatar

      Thanks so much. I appreciate that.

  3. swabby429 Avatar

    “Colder than penguin poop.” I’m filing this away for later use.

    1. Herb Avatar

      Please do, lol. The Professor would be honored.

  4. AJMcGregor Avatar

    Quite amazing!

  5. Ishaan Sharma Avatar

    Well done!

    1. Herb Avatar


      1. Ishaan Sharma Avatar

        Youre welcome sir!

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